Love and ...?

This year marked our 14th Valentines Day as a couple.  We have never gotten too caught up in the pressure to go overboard on that holiday.  Or any other, really.  There have been cards and flowers, occasionally.  Or a nice meal, or bottle of wine. We both agree that showing one's love and affection shouldn't be limited to one day per year.  Last Friday, I got up early with him, like always.  We quietly sipped our coffee and watched the sun appear. I made him breakfast and he was off to work until the early evening.  

He arrived home, sweaty and tired.  But smiling.  I complained that he didn't text me for a  grocery list and he said he was sorry, but he had stuff on his mind.  I asked him what sort of stuff... He then grinned, opened his arms, and  asked me to marry him.  "Of course!"  was my obvious answer.

After 15 years of cohabitation and most every life-hurdle one can imagine, it's official.  I'm giddy-moreso than expected.  Because he asked, I guess.  My first wedding was in 1981.  I was four months pregnant with my son.  We were hippies, living in the hills near Pescadero.  My mother was dying.  There was no proposal-we just did what we thought was expected of us.  It was a fun wedding. Country style, at tiny Pescadero Community Church.  

The reception was held at the church hall and my friends and I made all of the food, including a freshly-butchered turkey from my friend Christine's flock. Our friend Jim made a beautiful wedding cake, topped with marzipan skeletons.  It was a nice, eclectic mix of family and friends.  We didn't have the money for a fancy honeymoon, but we did manage a weekend in Big Sur, one of my favorite places on earth.  My mother died seven days after the wedding and Aaron was born in April.  Daughter Madeline came along a few years later, as did the demise of our marriage.  Blame it on our ages and the drift that too often occurs when people marry in their early twenties.  In retrospect, I was impatient and unrealistic about my expectations of him and our relationship.Our union lasted about six years. We have been divorced for more than 25 years. We are friends to this day.

My second marriage was also of the shotgun variety.  This relationship was volatile from the start.  Red flags waved in my face, ignored.  I must have felt the need to punish myself, and that's what I did.  I got pregnant just as my youngest child was starting kindergarten.  My then-partner promised to love and care for my two existing kids like he did his own child, and sent a letter to my father, proclaiming just that.  He didn't follow through on that proclamation. He terrorized and abused my two older kids on a regular basis.  I was then attending college classes in the evenings, attempting to improve my job skills.  I eventually dropped out when he announced that he couldn't cope with the childcare workload.  Things finally fell apart completely in 1998.  I drove him to the train station in Riverbank and he took up residence on his parents couch for several years. I've written about this fatal mistake of mine here before...  It wasn't until a few years after our split that I learned about his daily abuse of my children-especially my son.  When confronted, he admitted to all of it.  With no explanation.  As if any explanation would have excused it.  That marriage lasted about seven years.  We are not friends.  I work on forgiving myself and him every day of my life.  A total mistake, except that it brought me Quinn.  She makes all that ugly stuff worthwhile.  Our wedding took place on a bluff in La Selva Beach.  The wedding party consisted of my three kids. Quinn was eight months old and in my arms.  We couldn't afford a honeymoon, either.  But my friend's family owned the Seacliff Inn in Aptos, and she booked us a suite for the night as her gift.  Our baby girl accompanied us.  (She was breast fed-and spoiled!)  I would likely not have married him, but his father made a big (Catholic) fuss about it. We have now been divorced for almost 10 years-it took me 6 years to get him to sign the divorce paperwork.

 

In my current relationship, there has been no rush to marry.  We were not interested in having babies together, and instead focused on raising the kids we had.  He was thrust into his role as stepdad, and we went about the work of life.  There were heartbreaks and disappointments aplenty.  And two daughters to guide through adolescence.  We came close to falling apart way more than once.  The girls grew up and moved out.  Our fathers both died within a few years of each other.  We left our home state for this new frontier, and we ride out the challenges that come with such an endeavor.  We saw our  future here. Together.  We spoke of making it official, and I knew it might occur at some point. But this time, I wanted that proposal I had not yet experienced.

So... even though it was an inevitability,  he managed to totally surprise me. Especially proposing on Valentines Day, a day we have both laughed off as a Hallmark holiday.  I look forward to the rest of life's journey with him by my side.  As he says, this love is "road tested!"

We found this rock in 1999--at the base of a waterfall that drops onto Secret Beach in Point Reyes, California. It's a favorite, magical spot and this rock reminds me of our time there.

Be Seeing You!

I loved this television show. Didn't catch on until I was hunkered-down with my first husband.(The non-evil one) We rented an episode at his suggestion, and kept going. That was the early 1980's, well after the show's prime and in the thick of mine. I watched every episode several times. Silly on the surface, but deep man. Soul deep.

Has anyone else noticed that many news anchors and t.v. personalities sport the Prisoner blazer look? I liked it on him, but admit that I loathe it on anyone else. Especially as a pantsuit.Don't even get me started on the audacity of pantsuits.

Adios, Patrick. You are now a (completely) free man.

The Prisoner Theme - © R. Grainer

Define Family

My San Francisco Family/December 1982

What is it about marriage? Some straight people believe that they own this alleged sacrament. Why is that? To me, it's an official declaration of love and devotion. I've attempted it and failed miserably. Still, I did get to experience the gift of my wonder-kids because of those unions. Or in spite of it? Because making and having the kids was the fun, amazing part. It would have been no less amazing had I not consented to taking those vows of forever love. We would still have been a family.

Anyway, just because I am not a fan of governmentally legitimized fucking, I still want my friends and family members to be allowed to love the person they chose to love. That's what all this whole thing is about...L O V E. The people that voted for and passed Prop 8 think they own love and commitment. Actually, they are hate-filled creeps.

The man and I have no annoying urge to marry- even after almost a decade of connubial relations. I can honestly say that I will continue to pass on the whole marriage thing-especially now that this state of my birth has decided to officially exclude an entire group of it's citizens from the same rights my partner and I are entitled to. Hey, until divorce rates for straight marrieds dip below the 80% failure mark... don't you dare tell me that marriage exists for you alone.

Prop 8 is a giant step backwards.Which makes the historic breakthrough victory on Tuesday feel truly bittersweet. It adversely affects loving families all over this state and country. And I'm angry when I am (again) reminded how far we have to go. Because their god told them to hate? Chalk up another one for your god. Haters.

Are You Ready To Take Your Place

In the Modern Museum of Disgrace?

Same As The Old Boss

What's new? Still moving in. I must be older, because it's taking forever. I really will take some pictures here one of these days. Just haven't been inspired much lately. Go figure. We begin the task of painting the kitchen this weekend, among other tasks. The house is really something. I still wake up amazed that we are here, despite the work ahead.

I am noticing racism more and more. It's everywhere. Carefully disguised to blatant. Luckily, I feel all warm and happy inside when I imagine these folks on election and then inauguration day. Deal with it, you ignorant fools. A new world is fast approaching, and your time is UP! The same with the religious fanatic homophobes. Go crawl back in your caves, cretins. If people want to marry, let them. I for one am avoiding that particular institution these days, but if others choose to tie the knot, so be it. Hey, we've made it for over nine years without a wedding-why jinx it?! Besides, as a recovering catholic girl, I rather like living in sin. (mmmmmmmmmm...sin)

School's out in less than two weeks. It's been rocky, but we made it through the sophomore year. Two more years and my youngest child goes out into the world. I sure hope it improves between now and then. I feel sad for all the young people just starting their lives in this recession-bound economy. Not fair in the least. And nothing like the world I went out into in 1974. We thought Nixon and Vietnam were bad---that was nothing compared to now. I never thought I'd be saying that.

Eggs, Babs! Eggs!

we are indeed moving. that is a terrifying realization. i have the great fortune to live with a fantastic packer. (that sounds weird.) he is already boxing and labeling books and music like a madman. we will do this in phases, to avoid anxiety. moving was a very sudden opportunity. one we couldn't turn down. the trouble is, spontaneity was easier a few decades ago. i loathe the dreaded yard sale. we're having one.

other than that news, i have some questions. like why is anyone's sex life more interesting or important than the things that actually matter? i can't watch or listen to that mindless crap anymore. i don't care which politician is fucking. (or not fucking, as the case may be.) perhaps if we paid attention to our own sexuality more than everyone else's, the need for our collective voyeurism would diminish? maybe not.

also, why do people stay together if they can't bear to be touched by the person they share a bed with? i don't get it. which isn't to say i didn't live it. divorce was awful, but not as awful as pretending. that was a prison sentence. life is too goddamn short for that.

Ramble On

San Francisco/1970

There are times, scant readers-of-mine, when the madness takes hold. I am currently riding that wave. I seem fully functional. Inside my head is something else altogether. The world's never-ending woes are taking their toll. The only answers appear to be medication or distraction, or both. I know that works for many. That's great. Neither is an option. I can't help but pay attention-it's what I do. The price for this fatal flaw is high. Yesterday I came home from work and wailed. So much to shed tears over. Mother Earth's demise, soul-less leaders in charge of our destinies, an election that seems like a total joke. (already) So many kids learning all the WRONG things, alleged adults making babies they could care less about, babies who grow up-only to die in a war that benefits... whom? More homelessness and poverty every day, Guns and more guns... and so on. The clincher? People are fed-up, and getting angrier all the time. But where is the absolute outrage? Especially in the younger generations-it's spooky. I was already angry, at 14!(Are you surprised?) I worked for the Student Mobilization Committee, a branch of the National Peace Action Coalition/N.P.A.C. My junior high school pal (We are still friends!) and I would ride the cable car, then the streetcar downtown and work in the offices at Oak St. and Van Ness Ave. We made calls, typed mailing labels, and handed out flyers downtown. We helped to organize several anti-war protests in San Francisco. "Back in the Day"(1971-72) I still recall the passion I felt. It was instinctive, to take action and work hard to end the war. Because the future was ours, and we knew it. Do our kids know? They need to. As for the older generations, why are we so complacent? What the hell has happened to us? Different priorities, I guess. And apathy. And shopping. Revolutionary thoughts are so time-consuming!


Then there are my personal traumas. I try and avoid most of that here. It's just not comfy, sharing my darkest inner dialogs with anyone but a shrink! But that's just me. How's this for timing... my youngest (15) is at the height of adolescent maternal disdain. Meanwhile, I'm discovering peri-menopause. (It sounds so perky.) We make quite the pair. My poor man. He handles it marvelously, by either laying low or diplomatically stepping-in to calm us down! He's good like that. Oh, how I miss my own mom, these days. It's coming up on thirty years since her death, but memories of our own rocky years together have been showing up to haunt me. Funny how raising kids does that. Reminds us of who we were, and how we may well have hurt our parentals. Not because we wanted to, just because. I keep reminding myself that things shift, and you do get close again. I have watched it occur twice, with my grown children. Thankfully.

But this one... she's a live wire. She knows how to cut me-deep. I am reminded of her father, when she does this. She is the (only) child of my second (and final!) husband, and he was a mean bastard. No polite way to put it. He was gone by the time the child was 6 years old, and she barely sees him every few months. And yet, those (persistent) genes come through. So much for nature versus nurture. She has his musical prowess-a gift. But that's the only positive contribution from him I've seen. She also has (size 10) flat feet, scoliosis, and an explosive temper. Throw in some teenage acne and being the tallest (almost 6 feet tall) girl, and she has every right to be pissed-off! The ex has lived in his mother's home for almost 10 years now. Need I say more? So, not a great role model for the poor girl. She knows, and it hurts. Yeah, I picked a winner alright. The difference between my dear mother and me is that I won't give up. I will stick by my girl always, and love her through her dark days. That's how I do it.

So, between the weight of the world and chickens coming home to roost, I am in a bit of a funk today. Just me and some Bootsy. We'll get through it.

Another Time's Forgotten Space

Happy Fucking New Year, Kids. It's bound to be better. Unless it gets worse. Anyway, Much Love to All.

I think this was the New Year's Eve Show that we saw Larry Bird and Kevin McHale backstage with Bill Walton. (C.B.? Was it the 1987 show?) Of course it was. That year marked the end of my marriage and the beginning of an excruciatingly harsh lesson I had yet to grasp. I learned it alright. Major collateral damage came with it. Damage that will not be denied it's right to stick around. A pricey lesson.


New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday. The whole out with the old, in with the new ritual just works for me. A yearly purge. Even if N.Y.E. Shows ceased long ago. We've adapted and grown (somewhat) accustomed to hanging around the shack, celebrating in a more subdued manner. Settled? Check. Boring? Check again. Well on our way to old. Our New Year's Eve supper: Black-Eyed Pea and Spinach Salad & Curried Red Snapper. Later on, we'll sip Lambic and bid good riddance to a fairly shitty year. Cheers!

Ice Ice Baby

Diamond Encrusted Skull
N.Y.T. article on Damien Hirst's latest creation.

I'm not a diamond-kind-of-gal. The only one I've ever owned was from my second husband. Ironically, it fell out of it's setting one day, when our union was in it's downward spiral to the hellish depths. (Never to be found.) I wear my maternal great-grandmother's garnet engagement ring on my left hand. It's well-over a hundred years old. I do not wear a wedding ring.

Mr. Cozy and I have lived in non-wedded bliss for about eight years now. He's never married anyone. I tried it twice, and failed miserably. We have no intention of procreating, and we're not religious in any way, so it's really nice just like this. Maybe if we have a big pile of money sitting around some day, we will throw a gargantuan party and get married. Without the diamonds.


What are your thoughts on marriage?