What's New?

That's our now two-year-old kitty, checking you out. Taken by a visiting relative last month. Not much blogging happening these days. Could be a trend, could be a phase. The garden has been a wonderful thing. Too bad my camera isn't functional. I miss taking snapshots.

I joined something called boot camp. No, not the military. Don't really like the name, although it is appropriate. We meet three mornings a week on the beach. Serious work outs, in sand. Before work. Finishing my second month of this.

It's nearly autumn. I look forward to that, after another season of Winnebago's and their mostly clueless inhabitants. Youngest child got her first job this summer, and is handling it quite well. I still have a job, as does my man. We know how lucky we are.

Backed out of Burning Man. It's got to be right, and it wasn't. Maybe next year. Other than that, just fighting the dreaded Facebook time suck.

Whats New Pussycat? - Bob Marley & the Wailers

Offloading

Older, not wiser. Scared to death about what comes next. Afraid to not be mommy every day. Watched "Georgy Girl"(Can't recall ever seeing it before.) I related to Lynn Redgrave's character in a rather jarring manner. She related to children more than to adults.While it is undeniable that I adore children, I am coincidentally relieved that my grandchildren do not yet exist. Unlike some of my peers, I am in no hurry. Nothing to do with being "grandma"(I'd be the best, hands down.) Plenty to do with fear of the future for my own children. Subsequent generations in a world that's hurtling toward so many unknowns strikes me as insane. I know, every generation had it's doomsday scenario and blah-blah-blah. I guess it's that I want them to be really ready for it, so their kids stand a chance on this crazy planet. But what is ready, really? Realistically, if everyone waited until things were optimum, we'd have zero population growth. Wait, I may be onto something here.

Trapped in a town I love and hate equally. Lucky as hell in love, yet insecure always. Born to be a social animal, yet failing miserably. Wondering what the payoff to love marriage and children will turn out to be. Besides fear, worry, and guilt. I don't really mean payoff. More like the big lesson. "What's it all mean?" as Tahoma Paul used to say. The guy that fell backwards onto a horseshoe stake. And when I say backwards, I mean ass-backwards. I wonder how things turned out for him. (Perhaps he's on Facebook?) I'm genuinely afraid about my youngest child making it through life intact. She struggles with so much of it. And yet, it's her story... I have to let her tell it. Do you realize how painful that is and why didn't anyone tell me being a mother would hurt this much? Truth is, they probably did. To quote Kahlil Gibran-

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Trippin' on Facebook. It's the new Brave New World. A crazy mish-mash of people from all corners of your life. In touch again with people you did everything first with after a 35 year hiatus. Mind boggling, really. All mixed up with current friends and acquaintances of varying degrees, family members, former lovers, and the people you will probably never know beyond the internets. Far be it from me to turn down a party.

Which brings me to Burning Man. My answer to midlife, my quest. Loved ones are perplexed about the "why" of this undertaking. I couldn't possibly explain it efficiently. Not yet. For the first time in a long, long time I am doing something solely for me. Something that will test my being in about a million ways. The time is right-that's all I really know.

Breed - Nirvana

Quest to Burn

Sunday Confessional:
I've wanted to go to B u r n i n g M a n for at least 20 years. I remember when it all began, at Baker Beach. One teeny speed bump has been that the man I share my life with does not share in my great quest to burn. Especially because it means massive crowds and the cruel Nevada desert. He'd be perfectly fine if I went without him. He knows how much it means to me, whether he comprehends my vision or not. Most of my formerly adventurous friends are wrapped up in their day-to-day. They wouldn't be likely to consider this sort of pilgrimage. I am also wrapped-up. Doesn't matter. I must participate in this powerful human experiment at least once before I slip into darkness. The playa is mercilessly hot. There are windstorms. It's a week of dirt camping with thousands of crazies. It isn't hard to understand why many I know and love would take a pass. I can't. And now that my children are nearly full-grown, it feels like the perfect time to go.

One of my all-time favorite gal pals from Santa Cruz attends, so I am 'in talks' with her about being part of her crew in 2009. It takes (at least) a year to plan it right. One must be fit, both physically and emotionally. No small undertaking, this quest of mine. I'm game.

'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.'
Hunter S. Thompson