Older, not wiser. Scared to death about what comes next. Afraid to not be mommy every day. Watched "Georgy Girl"(Can't recall ever seeing it before.) I related to Lynn Redgrave's character in a rather jarring manner. She related to children more than to adults.While it is undeniable that I adore children, I am coincidentally relieved that my grandchildren do not yet exist. Unlike some of my peers, I am in no hurry. Nothing to do with being "grandma"(I'd be the best, hands down.) Plenty to do with fear of the future for my own children. Subsequent generations in a world that's hurtling toward so many unknowns strikes me as insane. I know, every generation had it's doomsday scenario and blah-blah-blah. I guess it's that I want them to be really ready for it, so their kids stand a chance on this crazy planet. But what is ready, really? Realistically, if everyone waited until things were optimum, we'd have zero population growth. Wait, I may be onto something here.
Trapped in a town I love and hate equally. Lucky as hell in love, yet insecure always. Born to be a social animal, yet failing miserably. Wondering what the payoff to love marriage and children will turn out to be. Besides fear, worry, and guilt. I don't really mean payoff. More like the big lesson. "What's it all mean?" as Tahoma Paul used to say. The guy that fell backwards onto a horseshoe stake. And when I say backwards, I mean ass-backwards. I wonder how things turned out for him. (Perhaps he's on Facebook?) I'm genuinely afraid about my youngest child making it through life intact. She struggles with so much of it. And yet, it's her story... I have to let her tell it. Do you realize how painful that is and why didn't anyone tell me being a mother would hurt this much? Truth is, they probably did. To quote Kahlil Gibran-
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Trippin' on Facebook. It's the new Brave New World. A crazy mish-mash of people from all corners of your life. In touch again with people you did everything first with after a 35 year hiatus. Mind boggling, really. All mixed up with current friends and acquaintances of varying degrees, family members, former lovers, and the people you will probably never know beyond the internets. Far be it from me to turn down a party.
Which brings me to Burning Man. My answer to midlife, my quest. Loved ones are perplexed about the "why" of this undertaking. I couldn't possibly explain it efficiently. Not yet. For the first time in a long, long time I am doing something solely for me. Something that will test my being in about a million ways. The time is right-that's all I really know.
Breed - Nirvana
12 comments:
anytime you think or act differently than you always have- folks tend to look at you funny and ask if anything's wrong :) my mom didn't want grandkids either. neither my sister nor i want children. i just don't believe that with today's world on the brink of an environmental collapse- that it's responsible or ethical to bring children into this world given a choice. i don't.
there comes a time when kids see their parents as people for the first time :) you wake up and wow- mom's not just mom- she's like a human being with feelings and thoughts and everything- i have a feeling you are starting to see yourself as more than mom :) good luck with burning man.
betmo's got it nailed...your kids (hopefully) stop seeing you primarily as mom, and you (hopefully) stop seeing them primarily as your children. My heart aches for you as you watch your daughter's twists and turns. It's difficult to know when to step in, and when to step away. I have no wisdom on that.
Wow. Burning Man. More power to you!! I think at our age (a-hem) we must dare to do things purely for our selves. Go for it!
It's good to remind ourselves we are children of the Universe and we still need to take a look around a bit.
Yes, the time is right. My first time, I haven't written about much. I think I'll have to go again to start understanding it. And again. And there are major life-changes that may be coincident, or may not; it's all such a roll of the bones right now. I love the Gibran quote. Courage to choose my path and trust that they are choosing theirs, this is what I need and poets like that can suggest (not provide -- all I can expect are nudges).
I'm not going to feel guilty because we chose to have kids. And I won't crucify my middle daughter for having children either. I'm not irresponsible because we had kids. I won't be judged for my choices in this matter.
We are no different than any other creature. Picture the birth of puppies. They all crawl out and crawl around and are there to be nourished. We were all like that and the children born to us were like that and they grow up and life happens to them.
We may have a say in the copulation process, but little else. Even those that take precautions so they can have sex and not become pregnant, be it the woman or the man, can experience a pill that didn't "work" or a vasectomy that reversed. Life happens. How we deal with it and what we do with the offspring is the only thing we might have a little control over, but not much of it at all. No person can think for another or make them have a certain thought.
so funny you bring up georgy girl...the other day when you posted the rosemary song this song (georgy girl) popped in my head...i don't recall the movie...i'll have to check it out...
i was 23 when i had my daughter...my firstborn...i was younger than she is now...i cannot imagine her having a child at this point in her life...yet i was younger than she is when i had my first...i was having the conversation the other day that i often have re: raising kids -- that it is a complete crap shoot, you do the best you can, you have no idea how it will all turn out, that you can put the best of everything in place, but each person is here to live their own karma, and what happens to them is not up to us...we are all here to learn, that's it...the gibran quote rings so true to me...
my son is here visiting on spring break...my daughter was here the last few days as well, and we all had a splendid time...i love my kids to pieces, but i can't wait till my house is my own again...
i can wait for the grandkids...right now is my time...i am the luckiest woman, cuz i got a doover...
thanks for this post...i love when you go to these places...
I do share so many of your concerns, even as grandbaby 2 is just six weeks away. I guess maybe it's the fact that I didn't get a vote in the matter, and that if I had cast my ballot it wouldn't have mattered to Myrtle anyway, that I don't dwell so much on my fears, but rather remind myself that one of the grands, or one of their peers, or all of them en mass could have a hand in finally cleaning up the mess we've left for them.
At the same time, I did tell my husband the other night that my species is so fucking disappointing to me right now that I'd really just rather not continue with this lifetime.
Bipolar is the new hope?
Joe~
My thoughts on this concern me and mine. There was no intent on my part to make anyone else feel guilty about the choice to procreate or not.
Kids are my favorite people-I just hope they get to enjoy their loves as we have.
I just wanted to say that I've come by and read this post three times already. I have so many different things I want to say, and yet I feel unable to articulate any of them. I think your post is about a very big thing that gets expressed by motherhood, Facebook, and Burning Man: I see a coherent theme about community found in intimate family, inanimate Facebook, and loosely connected Burning Man. A desire for connection, for your children to have a future that feels safe, for lessons to be passed on by continuity of place and purpose.
I'm going to hit publish this comment even though it does not say what I want it to say.
Oh Annie... nothing was meant as a personal attack at all! I guess I can't explain my feelings about it all without sounding like a clergyman or worse, a Christian! I just think that people are born. We think we are in control of it, but aren't. They are destined to exist and we have to witness it and deal with it and the emotions of caring, etc. Sorry if you or anyone thought I was complaining. I'm just sayin....
Although we are childless by choice, we do fear for our nieces, young cousins and all of our friends' children as well. It's a scary world.
As to FB, it is a fantastic party that's for sure. I've only run into a few jerks or duds, but overall, getting back in touch w/ old friends and acquaintences has been a trip.
Although I find myself lapsing into that old high school mentality when more people from my class turn up on FB. "Will they accept my friend request? They never liked me in school". Then it's like, why do I even care? I haven't talked to them in 25 years or more; I didn't even talk to some of them when we were IN school, so why does it matter to me if this person or that person accepts my friend request?
I love this post ... and had quite forgotten about Georgy Girl.
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