in the end, there's still that song...

i am compelled to affirm, publically, some thoughts about the grateful dead, and the remnants of what once was.

you probably already know a bit about the recent shake-up within the g.d. organization, since i posted several articles about the decision by surviving band members, to stop allowing fans to download/trade/share the many soundboards of shows which were played. through the miracle of i-tunes, one must now pay a fee to obtain the music.

to those that did not spend decades wrapped in the musical bliss this band provided, it may seem silly, or petty, that many of the fans are up-in-arms about this decision. but see, it isn't about the money. it is about watching the big, fluffy dream die, at last. personally, i don't want or need to download anything of theirs. i have more than i can ever listen to, in the remainder of my life. most of it was obtained years ago, through friends that taped shows incessantly. lots of those tapes have since been converted to cd's. i am glad to have it, and i love to hear it. but not so often now. because, to be frank, it is somewhat painful. hearing jerry's notes reminds my soul of a sorely-missed component. does that sound insane? i suppose that it does. but i gave up trying to explain my love for this band a long time ago, when my mom used to rage-on about how pointless it all was. all i know is it struck a nerve, and it felt SO good. that is why i sought it out, anytime i could, for so many years of my life. when they came to town, i saw as many of their shows as i could. and when the children were born, it waned a bit, but eventually grandma(his mom) would look after them splendidly, so that the parents could enjoy a break now and then. and we collected tapes, and bought the new releases, and the official merchandise, and always the tickets. which went up in cost considerably, through the years. we didn't care. it was worth it, to feel that spine tingle, even sans drugs. no drug could compare to that perfect, organic joy. this is not to imply that there was not occasional chemical enhancement. it had it's time, and place. but it was never a requirement, for me. the music just plain FELT good.

so many deadheads tell the same tale, about years of love and devotion. and spending money so willingly, to support this band that gave us so much happiness. these guys never set out to be rich or famous, but they most certainly achieved that status. they were always so good to their fans, because fans were a big part of who and what they were. (in positive and negative ways.) ten years ago, that big love bubble burst for me, when jerry died. but like many, i tried hard to hold out hope, that we would survive, and build something out of this massive loss. it seemed to almost work, for a time. but, for me, it was never again the same, emotionally. his sound and his passion were the cornerstone of that band, in my opinion. and seeing the newly-formed musical affiliations that popped-up only clarified that fact.

so, this latest decision by the surviving musicians was simply the final blow. it could not and it cannot ever be what it once was, for me. and i am alright with that.
because i have a heart full of memories that nothing will ever erase. and that's what i choose to hold on to.

i get that economics are a big part of the change, and that we all do what we must to carry on. but i see their decision as the ultimate slap in the face, to a bunch of folks who were incredibly devoted, and who invested not only millions of dollars, but decades of their lives, because it WAS once the ultimate symbiotic relationship.




“Stella Blue”

All the years combine, they melt into a dream,
A broken angel sings from a guitar.
In the end there’s just a song comes cryin’ up the night
Thru all the broken dreams and vanished years.
Stella blue. stella blue.

When all the cards are down, there’s nothing left to see,
There’s just the pavement left and broken dreams.

In the end there’s still that song comes cryin’ like the wind.
Down every lonely street that’s ever been
Stella blue. stella blue.

I’ve stayed in every blue-light cheap hotel, can’t win for trying.
Dust off those rusty strings just one more time,
Gonna make them shine, shine

It all rolls into one and nothing comes for free,
There’s nothing you can hold, for very long.
And when you hear that song come crying like the wind,
It seems like all this life was just a dream.
Stella blue. stella blue.