beautiful boy*

*check out the song lyrics*


my firstborn arrived last night

it felt like a holiday today

to me especially


an amazing man, my baby boy

his two sisters... so proud

he is big brother


(not like george orwell, although

orwell's birthday was today)


our cozy shack

now even cozier and

complete

longest day of the year

the summer solstice... check out the stonehenge party

every day gets shorter now

i was reading about the druids

then thinking about religion

all religion

and what i think is...

it sure does make a lot of folks act strangely

after a lifetime of pondering it

i have to say that to me

it seems to really do awful things to people

sometimes

to quote john lennon

"i just believe in me...and that reality"

if i had the world to give

on this "hallmark holiday"

i thought throughout the day

about you and i

how when things fell apart

and i lost her~ five months before baby aaron arrived

and there was only you, my divorced-and-single dad

left to parent and grandparent

you have done a splendid job, father-of-mine

so steadfast and loving to the children and i

from beatnik to patriarch

in one lifetime

wow

the sky is crying

(lately i think stevie ray vaughan was right)

maybe it really is crying. weeping is more accurate. up here on the north coast it's been raining most of the day today. last week there were three all-day-rainy days. lots of folks have been complaining. the thing is, lots of precipitation is an automatic up here. it always has been. however, we have had more rainfall this season than in a long, long time. gardening is a challenge so far. maybe we will have some warm weeks in september and october, and recoup some growing-time. who knows. the weather patterns have been chaotic here in the golden state over the last week or so. several earthquakes in the far-north and far-south. a tsunami north of us a few days back. one thing for sure... all of the rain has made everything just perfectly GREEN. my favorite. the tips of the redwood tree branches are nearly flourescent, and all of the ferns are curly and lush. me? i really do like the rain, and i always have. it is somehow appropriate right about now. however, it may be a rough year for tomatoes and peppers around here.

synchronicity

i feel like a proud american tonight, for several reasons.

first, the preznit's approval rating is dropping by the day. unreal. the downing street memo has gone from a slow-burning internet scoop a couple of months back to a mainstream news story, complete with televised hearings on c-span. could it be that the ship of fools has sprung a leak at last? oh, hell yes!

sometimes one can feel like the lone dissenter. i often do. and i have definitely found that there are many who sidestep discussing political topics on their blogs.
that's cool. no problem, but i want to talk about it. it's a lonely job sometimes, but it feels right for me. and rosie is a near-daily inspiration, in that regard. she kicks ass! and plenty of her blog readers give her a bad time for continually bringing up the war and the president's lies. she never caves in to the pressure. she keeps telling us to do something, be informed, and to speak out against the madness. she does not have to be doing this. many advise her not to. she is doing what she must. i can relate to that.

coincidentally, my post here at the cozy shack last evening was related to my growing disdain for apathetic attitudes about politics, as well as the importance of aqquainting oneself with the downing street memo. when i read rosie's post today, i was proud that i stuck with my personal ideals, and that i sometimes speak of the shit that it would appear some shy away from. rosie does it too, and she brought up the dsm today! WE ARE HERE indeed, and we want the real truth about this war. the families of the 1700 dead soldiers deserve truth, at the very least.

oh, i will write about less politically-charged things here, sometimes. but right now, this is where my heart is. maybe it's because way-back-when, in 2000, i had a scary vision of a future with bush 2 in charge, and he has far exceeded my worst -case-scenario. the day he "won" the first time was such a low point. then there was 9/11, then his bullshit war, then his "re-election" i have lived almost a half-century. things have never felt this out-of-control. i hate to say i told you so, but...

so, although it's a little like the kiss of death in terms of blog popularity, i will continue to speak of the things that are not necessarily popular with people.
it makes me feel proud to be an american, when i speak my mind.

when you gonna wake up?

ok.

i get that some just do not "like" politics, sort of. but lately i don't have much patience when i hear comments like: "the news is too depressing; i don't watch it much anymore" depressing indeed. there's a reason for that, people! there are things going on that go far beyond depressing. why is it wrong to want to have your eyes OPEN to the injustice and deception all around us? hey, i like distraction and fun as much as the next person, but these are times that require attention, not apathy. it's fine to have a cornucopia of interests, but one of them can be political awareness, can't it? please. there is strength in numbers. stand and be counted. be brave and speak your mind...THAT is freedom. it's not a yellow ribbon magnet, or a free flag decal from mc donalds. read the downing street memo, if you haven't already. (just click on the title of this post) boring? dear goddess, please try broadening your horizons. just a little.

when the earth moves again, my friend

tsunamis... underwater earthquakes. earthquakes have been present in my life for all of my life. that's part of being a california native, i suppose. there was only one(so far) that really made a BIG impression on me. 7.5, to be concise. it happened to be my 2nd child's 3rd birthday, october 17, 1989. i was employed in downtown santa cruz on the pacific garden mall, which isn't a mall at all, just a long street with lots of shops, restaurants, hippies, jazz trios, that sort of thing. it was almost closing time, and an "old mistake" happened into the place. long-ass story, not now. this was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least. he attempted to talk to me, and i kept busy with my work, trying like hell to avoid any conversation. there were a few other people in the place. then, at 5:04 p.m., things got crazy. all of the glass in the place began to shake, as did the floors, walls, everything. the rumble was unreal. like a roar. people were looking into each others faces, hoping to find an easy answer for what was happening. but there was no time for eye contact. the walls and roof were coming down fast. i remember yelling "im outta here!" i barely remember the mad dash for the door, but everyone made it out to the streets, which were insane-beyond-belief. buildings crumbling, sidewalks literally cracking open. up and down the street, fire alarms, sprinkler systems, sirens, screaming and yelling. panic. i stood on the hemorrhaging sidewalk, next to the last person i ever wanted to see, and i told him i wasn't gonna die with him, goddamn it! we surfed the cement amid the total mayhem, and i really wondered if i'd be getting out of this one alive.
then it stopped. but the noise was unending. then, the crowds of people that were downtown ... just walking around in absolute shock. hardly anyone driving. just wandering around the streets, aimlessly. like night of the living dead or something. i managed to slip away from that person i desperately needed to be away from. since i ran out of my work in a bit of a hurry that day, i lost my purse, as well as my daughter's birthday gifts. i had picked them up at lunch that day.(at "cotton tales"-just down the street.) my car keys were in my purse. there was nothing left of the building i worked in, or countless of the other buildings downtown. i finally got a ride with a friend out to my kids later that night. luckily, they were both safe with their dad. that was the greatest mother-and-child-reunion ever, i think. i recall laying on the ground outside that night, just feeling grateful that things were calmer. somewhat calmer. the aftershocks lasted for weeks though. i gained immense respect for "our mother" that day. the tsunami warning last night brought back some of that familiar feeling in me. But it was short-lived. just a reminder, that mother earth is always in control. no matter how powerful we may think we are, we are no match. respect your mother!

don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows

if i were mj i would go all howard hughes and live out my days on a private atoll somewhere in the south pacific. away from everything and everyone, forever. far away from all that created and destroyed him in one short lifetime. to me, it is all fucking sad. every aspect of it.

in other news: arnold will be toast soon, in my opinion. maybe then he will go away and leave "cullifornia" alone. i can dream, right? howard dean crazy? you bet your ass he is---crazy like a fox. watch and learn. i have a glimmer of hope, i swear i do.

what is the actual deal with "blog cliques?" not sure i can grasp the concept. are these people who were maybe NOT popular or whatever in (real-time) life? i am quite curious about this phenomenon. me? i was born a misfit, been one all my life. fitting into anything too terribly mainstream makes me nervous. needless to say, i don't think i fit into the mainstream blogosphere very well. oh well. i tried to be social, post a comment here-and-there and introduce myself. maybe i'm still not cool. and that, dear friends is why i'm a deadhead!

i write here because i like to put my thoughts down somewhere. the thoughts vary. sometimes weird, or incredibly boring. other days they're rebellious and angry.
or just plain sad. i want to be honest in my writing. true-to-me, you know? so much cheaper than therapy.

time to listen to diana krall and let my college girl brush my hair. a rare delight.

(good night moon!)

don't interrupt the sorrow

love is always there

even when happiness is absent

that's a good thing to keep in mind

i have decided to stop expecting happiness to be ever-present

i read somewhere today that americans are "in a bad mood" politically speaking

~his~ approval rating is at 43% now and i wonder-

how can there even be 43% of people still believing in this guy (anywhere?)

1,700 americans have died in this war (as of today)

the number of iraqi people killed is an ongoing mystery

but rest assured, it is monumental

these are the things that mess with my mind some days

and embracing the sorrow i feel seems like the least i can do

for the thousands who have lost their lives

in this war-with-no-clear-exit-strategy

that is why i have a sticker on my bumper that reads:

F U G W B

i never wanted to feel that way about my president

but alas, i most certainly do...






truth goes up in vapors
the steeples lean
winds of change patriarchs
snug in your bible belt dreams
god goes up the chimney
like childhood santa claus
the good slaves love the good book
a rebel loves a cause

(joni mitchell)

attics of my life

a comfortable sort of melancholy occupies me today.

what's it all mean?

my children are not children anymore.

my ex's do not live in texas, unfortunately.

i don't care if g and i ever marry. i like it just like this.

my country is not the place i thought it was, nor is this state.

my friends and i are aging rapidly. it happened with lightning speed.

i love falling asleep to the sound of the chilly winds swirling outside.

another post will follow this tomorrow, with any luck.


"in the attics of my life, full of cloudy dreams unreal"

freaking freely

tuna was HOT last weekend. had "modern thai" for dinner pre-show, at a little place called ~sea~. i had red pumpkin curry, with a martini cucumber salad for starters. tasty, tasteful food. when we walked into the mystic and settled in, i felt a massive wave of comfort immediately roll over me. it felt like "here is my tribe-- here they all are!" it was a joy to be around the freaks for an evening. saw a few familiar faces, then proceeded to soak up the sound i'd been craving. the 1st set was acoustic and the 2nd set was rip-roaring electric. "i wish you would" tore the roof off the place. we loved it. being away was great fun for the man and i. it was even more fun getting back home the next day. we watched our girl sing that night, in her last choral concert of the 7th grade. beautiful.

the next night, i was interviewed by phone for a "podcast" on closet deadhead. it is to be broadcast in the next month. too funny! apparently the gentleman who runs the site, sam whitmore found my blog entry about "the birth of the aiko's", liked it, and asked me if i wanted to be a part of a future podcast. i was surprised and flattered. the interview was lots of fun. we just yakked, and he asked me questions about the story on my blog. he does a fine job of it. the whole idea/concept of "closet deadhead" is perfect. because really, we all are. it's not for everyone, never tried to be, and being a deadhead is often a sadly misunderstood thing. i gave up trying to "explain" it a long time ago. or as jerry once said... "it's like black licorice. some people don't like black licorice, but those that do REALLY REALLY like it!"... or something like that. anyway, i will post a link to it when the show is up on the closet deadhead page. it feels good to acknowledge and be true to who and what you are, even when much of mainstream society doesn't understand it or like it.

"there is a road, no simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night. and if you go, no one may follow. that path is for your steps alone."

time out from whoever you are

tomorrow my man and i are going to see music together, and then stay at a nearby hotel that is 140 years old and fully renovated. we rarely get away from the day-to-day, but are trying harder to do these things now and then. it always reminds us that we really can have fun together, and not just work all the time. the youngest kid will stay at a pal's house tomorrow night. college kid is in seattle now, visiting a friend who attends college there. and when we awaken on monday, we will not be jumping up for work! instead, we will have a little breakfast and some coffee together and head over to see our friend who just had quadruple bypass surgery. that will be hard in some ways, but important for all of us. then a quick hello with his dad in tiburon, because we will then need to zoom homeward for the youngest child's final choral concert that evening. always well worth the two hours on those oh-so-hard bleachers! i haven't seen jorma kaukonen and jack casady for about 10 years, and am really looking forward to it. that, and some time away with my love.

my silent scream

yesterday, i sent my boss an email. the decision to do this was based on much forethought, and several drafts. the email's sole purpose was to ask for a raise.
for me, the 47-year old receptionist and administrative assistant. the one who has had the job for three solid years, with not a single review or the mention of a raise. i like my job quite a lot. it is always interesting, and i get to be in my own little world much of the time. i work hard for this company, and i enjoy it. but i want and deserve better pay than i am getting. this is fairly standard procedure at this company. in other words, it's always a head game getting a raise there, for all of it's employees. or as my mom used to say, "like pulling teeth!"

and the reason we workers put up with this treatment is that the job selection and availability here in our little corner of paradise is less-than-optimum. so people do what they must to live in this amazing place we call home. my job is great because there are never weekends to work, which is perfect for me, the mama. it also offers dental and health care benefits, a 401-k plan, and so on. and i enjoy the people i work with a great deal, almost all the time!

but the honest truth is: money talks. in fact, it sometimes SCREAMS. and i need to make more. because i am an attribute to my boss, my co-workers, and the company itself. (now i am sounding like stuart smalley on s.n.l. ... "because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!!)

anyway, today my boss came into my office and brought up my email. i could tell that she has made this speech many times over the course of the 30 years she has been in business. she told me that she appreciated the tone of the email, and that it must have been tough to do. (um, no, not really-because it is a reasonable request!) she then pointed out that i am among several in the company at this time who are looking for a pay raise. and? so what. the company does well. that is how it has survived 30+ years in an extremely competitive industry. she then said that my request would be "addressed" by the end of the next pay period, and not the one that ends this sunday. so, time will tell. but you know what? i still wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. because i have given a lot of myself to that place, despite the fact that i lose out on a hell of a lot with my children and my darling. and all i am asking for is to be treated with respect and dignity. oh, and i need to earn enough money to live. that's always nice. these are the times when i feel like a hamster in a wheel, running-like-hell to get nowhere.

but... i still have the pacific ocean as my front yard. my "commute" takes 15 minutes, and there is no traffic during the week on highway one. i am surrounded by redwoods, douglas fir, cypress, and apple trees, blackberries, huckleberries, and more. beauty is everywhere. i am blessed in countless ways. my children have been happy here. life could be so much worse, it's true.

but i still want a raise.